A bonsai Life

An excerpt from a my personal diary - Entry from June 2009

 

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"its an impossible decision - give up what i love doing, for the people that i love -

Well the choice had been made- after much thought , speaking to Mel and some very close wise friends i decided to step down, resign from my position as children's minister. It has been a heartbreaking decision to make but in the end was only the real option. I was unable to fulfill my role as a father/husband, as well as the role as kids minister.

I feel like i have been fighting this decision for awhile-perhaps since the start of the year and feeling the effects of this ongoing tiredness and fatigue since at least last winter (June 08)

Its been a really, incredibly, difficult decision to make because either way the outcome is failing... which is something that i don't do. i like to think that i am able and capable and don't need help - that is, in stopping work i am failing... - Not being able to work and needing help is failing x2, a position i cant recall being in at anytime.

Not only that, but i am also acutely aware that this is an extremely selfish decision - and will place a huge burden on my family, especially Mel. she will assume the total responsibility for our income and stability. I need to look into insurance details. I hate that i have put this on Mel, and that with the extra stress of worrying about my health. I want to help out as much as i can, but need to rest as well.

Then there is not having the same amount of time and energy with Liza, i feel like i am letting everyone down, that i have failed in so many ways and am a disappointment to myself and all the people i care about and care for. Its cruel that in following doctors advice and doing the right thing, that I'm letting everyone down- especially myself."

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2 years on and i have experienced a lot, i feel its time to put to paper - so to speak - some of the things i have learnt and am still learning...

 

SB